Any chance in heLL you might read this book?

Your details are good, that's usually what I notice is lacking from most stories. It seems like a pretty interesting story idea. I know you were going for vague, jump-into-middle-of-story, "what's going on??" excitement, but that just wasn't there. Some words were used way too often which left me kind of annoyed, made the story sound a bit childish. But I wouldn't give up on the story idea! I think that's really great, and so was a large portion of the sample you posted.